Now Hiring: Parents! What A Job Posting for Parenting Might Look Like

parents parenting family children babies

Parenting is absolutely exhausting. Whether you count parenting as a job or not, you’ve got to admit that it’s a lot of hard work. Between the lack of sleep and the hyper-vigilance, it is emotionally and physically draining in a way that few other jobs can boast.

It can be infuriating being a parent when you have friends that aren’t, and just don’t get it. It’s the absolute pits when you mention that you are tired to a friend or co-worker and they reply with something along the lines of “Oh man, me too. I was up ’til 3 playing games.” and the only reply you can muster is the Are-You-Actually-Serious-Right-Now™ stare. Like, my dude, You voluntarily stayed up late for a night of fun, had the option of going to bed and didn’t. Us parents (of young children, at least) are perpetually tired for months at a time and probably have forgotten what a solid 8 hours of sleep feels like. Does it feel like what chocolate tastes like? I imagine it must be something wonderful like that.

Us parents (of young children) have to deal with the emotional exhaustion feeling like we can’t look away for a second. After all, that’s the beginning of just about every parenting horror story. We can’t really take the time to be overwhelmed by the pressure because we still have to be attentive. I’m making it out to be pretty bad, but parenting definitely has its perks! We get to hang out with teeny-tiny people that think that we are the bee’s knees, and are basically our in-house fan club, so that’s pretty great.

But to all those non-parents who make comments that drive us nuts, here’s what an ad hiring parents might look like:

Full-time parent [entry level]

Parenting has been a company since the dawn of time. Our enterprise grows on a daily basis, and we are always looking for keen new individuals to join us! In fact, in some cases, you don’t even have to apply! We will just knock on your door to tell you that you’ve been hired.

Hours: 12am-11:59pm Sunday thru Saturday

Job Requirements

-Literally nothing

Job Responsibilities

-Waking up several times through the night
-Wiping genitalia and buttocks
-Waste management
-Drying tears when necessary
-Singing songs (Don’t have to sing well)
-Managing guilt
-Providing sustenance
-Reading stories
-Providing love (Not optional, do not apply if you can’t do this)
-Must be willing to put own needs aside
-Provide a safe environment
-Provide supervision (third party contractor is OKAY)
-Repeating the same task over and over and over, without being able to finish
-Multitasking
-Kissing at a moments notice
-Blowing raspberries
-Time Management
-Being a personal stylist
-Damage control
-Selflessness

Ideal Candidate:

-Must be willing to lose their mind (mental breakdowns are expected)
-Must be able to act on the fly
-Needs to keep a level head
-Makes a lot of mistakes
-Be willing to act silly (not required, but a bonus if able to in a public setting)
-Will take 9 Million photos

Perks

-Free cuddles
-Unconditional love
-Good reason to release your inner child
-Free gym membership, complete with cardio (chasing after child) and weights (lifting child)

If interested, please apply via adoption, foster care, surrogacy or copulation.

We request that you don’t apply if you have abusive and/or negligent tendencies. Should we hear reports of such behaviour we would launch an investigation.